“the things you fear
not by their nature
but by your approach.”
let us throw off the things that hinder us
the sin that so easily entangles
and let us run
the race marked out for us…
This week i have been bouncing back and forth between three books: Harry Potter 5, and two poetry books, one by Jewel, the other by Ruth Bell Graham. I have also been going back to a book I read feverishly before Nat and I were married – “Disciplines of a Godly Woman.” I can feel that my spirit is hungry for growth and learning and is not content to just sit quietly and muddle through the days ( sometimes I catch myself in a pattern of doing that). So, I’ve been reading.
I AM FEELING SO INSPIRED… I want to share it, and yell about it and talk about it. And I want to hide it in my heart and hold it quietly close to me and not share it with anyone but Nat, and hope that others find their own dreams.
Because that is the thing, you see. I think for a long time I have not been dreaming my own dreams. I have allowed myself to compare me to others. To desire things because so-and-so has them, and they look good. To stop myself from doing exactly what I know in the very depths of my soul that God created me to do – because I am insecure, and because I compare, and look at others, and decide that just this – just me – just now, is not quite enough.
And it’s so sneaky. This is such a tiny, quiet part of me that I am rarely honest with because there are ways that I don’t compare, ways that I feel content and grateful and that this is enough – even if it is less than, or different than, others. I know that everyone has this comparison complex, to some degree – it is not just my battle – and I know that you understand these feelings. I want to break away from them!
Say I admire in someone else… oh, where to start…. their articulate manner of speaking. By all means I can strive to be more articulate in my own speech. This is not bad. But let’s say I admire in (or on) someone else their clothing, or their hair or their perfect teeth or their love of something that I think makes them a cool person… Do I put energy, thought, time into trying to make myself become more things that they are and more interested in what they are interested in and look more like them because I know how cool it makes them? YES. Should I? NO. This is what I want to stop stop stop.
Perhaps a little bit this was brought on by the piano, because I sit there and feel perfectly comfortable and free and happy and creative and worshipful… and it’s good. And I think to myself, “What have I been DOING all this time when it hasn’t been MUSIC?” What have I been trying to BE??
How about a photo of some oatmeal bread?