[this is from december 19th, but i accidentally hit save instead of publish]
i am headed to the social security office to officially change my name, but i sat down here to get directions and wanted to write real quick. i was feeling so off earlier this afternoon, and already tired of the snow, hating our car for not having four wheel drive, for the wheels spinning, for driving in circles for 45 minutes looking for a parking spot i could fit into. feeling hurt and angry from an email i received recently that held a typical, nasty jab that reminded me of why i am so glad to be done with that, and here – but glad in a bitter way, not a pure way. i felt like my pants fit too tight, my eyes looked tired, my hair felt gross… hugely out of sorts. i dropped off nat’s shoes at the hospital, parked at long last back at home, and am now dreading heading out again, knowing the tires will spin, guys might have to dig me out (again) and that this name change, and changing documents at Starbucks, will probably be complicated and time-consuming. and i want to pack us up, clean, and leave for Tulsa right this minute.
and i am just stopping right now to recognize that this is a moment to not let emotions take over. this is a moment where i do not feel joyful or peppy, or on top of things. yet i have to be disciplined to keep going, to be grateful, to get up and move my hands and arms and feet to be productive, to clean up the apartment before we go, to get in the car and patiently grind my way out of the parking spot, to pack our suitcases and pack traveling snacks, and to be loving, gracious and a helper to nat.
and it isn’t really along the same lines… but this quote grabbed me by the shoulders again and gave me a shake today:
We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home.