i have found, at sincerely random times throughout the day, that my mind wanders to household dreams of the future. i’ve become really interested in reading reviews of all the kitchen products on Target, Amazon, etc… and this is an entirely new experience for me. I was never one to dream of being a wife, or of my dream wedding, or dream man, or ideal set of anythings, really. [the thing i have always dreamt of is being a great mom. first things first.] But now, now that the prospect of becoming a wife is a very-near reality, all of these traditional housewife ideas are spilling into my brain, and i am receiving them with complete and eager happiness! i don’t want to be independent in all the meanings of the word. i want to be exactly who God has created me to be. i want my life to be vibrant, expressed, and personal – in exactly the ways that I especially will live it. but i have this new desire, and it’s really deep: the desire to be a helper. the desire to make life beautiful for another person – a wonderful man. the desire to be a home-maker, a good, healthy cook, an organized, responsible keeper of the house, a gardener… None of these are “wife-specific”, barks our culture, but part of me can’t seem to stop from believing that this is exactly what i was intended for; that the journey we are beginning in August is another, perfectly-fitting piece of the puzzle of my life.
i have no trouble digesting the words “submissive” or even “obedient”, either, in theory*. I trust Nat completely, with all things, in all times. Wrapped up in that trust is profound security that if I encourage him in his faith, and listen to his wisdom, and obey, and trust – God is honored in our relationship. The times when I remember this, and temper my words and tones with humility and peace, I get this warm sensation in my heart that tells me something is right.
* i am by no means a submissive or obedient person – – this is a lesson I am learning, and while I accept submission in theory, I deny it wholeheartedly at times in practice. While I can trust Nat completely, more often than not my fierce independent/stubborn streak takes over in my responses to him. i pray that i am learning, and changing.
when i woke up this morning – extremely hot, which i think contributed to a series of strange, scary dreams last night – i picked up the book Nat just bought me last week – Believing God, by Beth Moore. I’m on chapter three, and because of this morning’s readings I have memorized five faith statements to be repeated as often as remembered, a commitment to spending an hour in the Word every day, and a blue ribbon around my wrist to remind me – for the next 99 days. I love the “tone” in her writing (is that the right way to say it?), and I am thrilled to read the rest of the book.
Nat and I had two awesome meals together today. The students have been spending the week at host homes in town, so we have had a lot of time alone together, which has been great, great, great. This morning I made a scrambled egg concoction for us with red peppers, avocado, tomatoes, onions, and cheese, and presented it to him with a flourish, and then for dinner he made Pad Thai as a surprise, and we had a picnic in the park while we ate it. It is so fun to feel like Porvenir is comfortable, and homey. Although the roads are dirt, and it is very distinctly Mexican, it felt like we might as well be in rural Minnesota, or anywhere in America, really. We played a game of cards, and bet on who gets to pick out the knife set for our gift registry – he likes the wood ones, I like stainless steel…. (neither of us will end up caring all that much about which knives we have) and he won, fair and square. = ) it was fun.
anyway, i’m going to read a little bit more, and then go to sleep. it’s a strange feeling going to bed all alone in this big double wide trailer. i miss the girls’ company tonight.
PS… Nat has been asking (begging?) me to let him get to work on more invitations for the wedding. he really loves doing crafts, and likes projects that are repetitive. we spent hours on our save the dates, gluing magnets on, gluing pockets onto cards, writing addresses… and had a blast.