so i went from feeling a little blog-boring to feeling a little blog-barfing out words ALL THE TIME. Suddenly, I have more things to say.
Like,
just now, I went for the first little jog outside all winter. nothing impressive – one mile – but I SLIPPED really bad on the ice.
because i was admiring the fact that my hair is in a “really cute ponytail stage”
…in my shadow.
pride –> fall. hands-on learning in action, folks. that’s the way to do it.
i am clearly undecided on a good blog theme. i don’t really love any of them, and am considering switching to typepad or blogspot.
also, i don’t know how to change the time… WordPress is telling me that it’s 6:00:34 am, and that is just not true. It is noon!
(February 18th, 2009)
(Erin English’s birthday!)
(or may possibly consume.)
because i’m feeling the creative itch. and am going to clear off my “craft table” that is in the middle of our dining/living room, place my sewing machine, markers, paper, crafting doo-dads upon it, and get to it.
i’m going to listen to:
and
and drink
and, in the back of my mind, as I am looking out the windows at the rain, wish that I was doing this, and having a picnic:
with this guy
who I adore.
be alive today!
I overslept during my nap AGAIN today… and was late to babysit Laila and Christopher, and felt horrible. How does the alarm not work at the worst times?? Or… how does my brain shut off completely and not realize what it’s doing at the worst times?? Boo.
I had an interesting would-be romantic experience at work on Monday. An older man – maybe 40s – came in and, while I was getting his coffee, asked me how my Valentines Day was. I said, “ohhh, it was so great! we went out for thai food downtown and i got these beautiful earrings……how was yours?” [With a new tone and look in his eyes]: “Oh. Mine was really good.” Me: “Yeah?” ”Yeah. My Valentines Days are always good. [intense eye contact filled with plenty of suggesting] I’m older, so I know how a lady likes to be treated.” he finished with what I believe was meant to be a seductive stare. If I were writing a novel I would say, ‘Her eyes narrowed and gazing at him with a mixture of disdain and humor she said very calmly, “Huh. Well, I am married. So, I guess I know how I like to be treated.’” Which seemed to sort of disappoint him, because he grunted and took his coffee and skulked off.
“Did you just say ’skulk’?” ”We’re not going to just ’skulk’ off…”? That’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which I saw 12 times in the theater. NO EXAGGERATION.
So, anyway. That was interesting… and, a little disconcerting. And I felt a bit empowered at my sassiness, because I HATE being flirted with or whistled at or just… made to feel like that, and it usually makes me sputter and look like an idiot when confronted with it face to face in that way… but for some reason my mind was sharp at 6am. Or maybe my usual reservations were still asleep.
As far as everything else goes, all of my lists and schedules that I made last week have served a good purpose in keeping my motivated and ‘on task’. Nat and I went to a coffee shop on Sunday afternoon to have a “business meeting” (play Phase 10 and talk about the logistical parts of our lives.) and made a few new lists, and talked about different goals and ideas that we have for us. It was nice. I like business meetings with him. Alaska dreaming needs to become Alaska looking-into-more-seriously pretty soon here, and I am excited to see what comes of that.
althoughsometimesidreadit…thecoldandthewinter… andithink…couldn’twechooseHawaiiinstead???
and….lastly, i wish to never be separated from a piano again.
hope you are having a wonderful week!
“the things you fear
are undefeatable
not by their nature
but by your approach.”
let us throw off the things that hinder us
the sin that so easily entangles
and let us run
with perseverance
the race marked out for us…
This week i have been bouncing back and forth between three books: Harry Potter 5, and two poetry books, one by Jewel, the other by Ruth Bell Graham. I have also been going back to a book I read feverishly before Nat and I were married – “Disciplines of a Godly Woman.” I can feel that my spirit is hungry for growth and learning and is not content to just sit quietly and muddle through the days ( sometimes I catch myself in a pattern of doing that). So, I’ve been reading.
I AM FEELING SO INSPIRED… I want to share it, and yell about it and talk about it. And I want to hide it in my heart and hold it quietly close to me and not share it with anyone but Nat, and hope that others find their own dreams.
Because that is the thing, you see. I think for a long time I have not been dreaming my own dreams. I have allowed myself to compare me to others. To desire things because so-and-so has them, and they look good. To stop myself from doing exactly what I know in the very depths of my soul that God created me to do – because I am insecure, and because I compare, and look at others, and decide that just this – just me – just now, is not quite enough.
And it’s so sneaky. This is such a tiny, quiet part of me that I am rarely honest with because there are ways that I don’t compare, ways that I feel content and grateful and that this is enough – even if it is less than, or different than, others. I know that everyone has this comparison complex, to some degree – it is not just my battle – and I know that you understand these feelings. I want to break away from them!
Say I admire in someone else… oh, where to start…. their articulate manner of speaking. By all means I can strive to be more articulate in my own speech. This is not bad. But let’s say I admire in (or on) someone else their clothing, or their hair or their perfect teeth or their love of something that I think makes them a cool person… Do I put energy, thought, time into trying to make myself become more things that they are and more interested in what they are interested in and look more like them because I know how cool it makes them? YES. Should I? NO. This is what I want to stop stop stop.
Perhaps a little bit this was brought on by the piano, because I sit there and feel perfectly comfortable and free and happy and creative and worshipful… and it’s good. And I think to myself, “What have I been DOING all this time when it hasn’t been MUSIC?” What have I been trying to BE??
How about a photo of some oatmeal bread?
Today was a very, very normal morning of work for me – opening shift, the usual relaxed beginning and then the rush hour and then all of a sudden it’s time to go home. Normal. Imagine, as best as you can, my surprise and and heart-stopping, breath-ceasing shock when I opened the door of our apartment and saw this:
….. Yes. Yes.
My husband, Nat – maybe you’ve heard me talk about him – has the most beautiful heart and soul in the whole world. I am more astonished by that than by the fact that there is a piano sitting right here next to me, that I played for a total of 6 hours today, and that it wasn’t here when I woke up this morning.
and…
JANELLE,
because I know you read this I want to tell you THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for telling Nat about your piano, and giving it to me!!! I found some sheet music in the bench – a white binder full of songs, and also a beginner/intermediate book of Romantic Impressionist songs, both of which I loved and played through because I can’t find any of my music… I’ll hang on to them and let me know if you need them! And again… thank you!! And come to Chicago again soon so we can play another duet.
I will write more about this later and have some more pictures I wanted to share, but I have to go pick up Mr. Nathaniel and we’re going to the mall for what he thinks is mutual secret shopping. Little does he know that I already went there two days ago and got a few hefty surprises myself. Muahahaha.
I have been avoiding blogging lately because I feel a little blog-boring. Motivated and excited about life and full of dreams – but not very full of interesting things to write about. Then today while I was running my three miles on 4 hours of sleep and too much espresso I was thinking about blogging, and thought, “who is this blog for, anyway?” And, “what IS blogging?” and thinking about how anything I put out there into the world – for myself or for whoever – I want it to be genuine and honest and I want it to be a time capsule and I want it to be fun and inspirational and true and brave and humble and lots of other things that if I spent too much time analyzing (read: comparing to others blogs) would amount to me either quitting altogether or trying to become something I’m not naturally. And I am saying no to both of those because I like blogging, I believe in it, and no matter how unineteresting, I want to be myself.
SO.
RUNNING: Yes, I have been doing it a little bit more. We have a plan that starts from the Shamrock Shuffle 8k in March and works up to a very hypothetical marathon in Alaska in August. I’m not going to talk about that anymore though until I/we are doing at least ten mile runs without dying. I did three miles for the first time in months – maybe even a year or two – last week and was so proud I couldn’t stop talking about it. Unfortunately I think it made me a little too confident, because to be fully and one-hundred percent honest with you, my
EATING: has been very, very bad. I am craving all kinds of ridiculous things, and haven’t been to the grocery store yet this week and we are out of my fresh food daily staples: macintosh apples, red bell peppers, spinach, green beans and minestrone soup (not fresh, but a staple.) I have been hungry at weird, non-meal times, because I get up at 4 in the morning and that is supposed to be sleeping time…. and I drop pastries on accident occasionally at work and can not find it in me to throw them away… so I mark it out as “discarded” and eat it. And I was telling Diane today that I think if I could have one thing a day for the rest of my life it would be a vanilla soy latte. Believe me, I know about soy. I have read up on it in multiple reliable sources, and no about the hormonal risks, overprocessing, etc… but THEY TASTE SO GOOD. I just heaved a huge sigh because I know what I wrote down on my goals list that I will talk about in a minute: ”Only one soy drink a week.” It is nonfat milk for me, now, or none. Coffee plain and simple. And the proof is in the pudding: my go-to jeans feel too tight… and they have not just been in the dryer.
MARRIAGE: We are at a beautiful place right now, six months past our wedding. Nat is such a servant, and he helps me and cares for me in ways I never even expected him to, or dreamed that anyone would. He is teaching me more than he knows. We are partners and pals and we are happy and I need to learn how to better hold/use my tongue, and we have been cooking a lot of delicious meals and making dinner every night really special with candles and good music lately. And, it is good.
BABYSITTING: I seem to be doing a lot of it, and I love it. Tommy….. has just turned two, is very, VERY cute looking (I don’t say that about all children, either.) and is pretty obedient and VERY pleasant to be with because his favorite thing of all time is to be read to. We can spend hours reading one book at a time under blankets on the couch, he running back and forth from the bookshelf for a new one, as happy as could be. Besides reading, we play with toys or he takes a bath or brushes his teeth, or we walk outside and I tell him how fast he can run. It’s wonderful. Nat called him our stand-in child the other day because he knows how much I love the dream of having kids and how fascinated I am by discipline strategies, baby products and that I am
READING: Baby Wise, a book about a method of parenting that is very scheduled with sleeping and feeding. I know that when the time comes, I will be fully armed with a lot of parenting information and the best of intentions, and that even so it will be challenging and different than what I expect – but I am fascinated, and so I am reading. Aside from Baby Wise, I’m on book 7 of Harry Potter now, although I haven’t started it yet. I’m waiting a little bit to savor it more and draw it out as long as possible. I have been surprised by how much I like it, and I will say that I found much of the “witchcraft = horrible reading material for people” hoopla just that – a lot of hoopla. Kids can watch tv, questionable non-wizardry-related movies, go online whenever they want, and read books about materialistic, greedy teenagers – - and they can’t read Harry Potter? It is not unlike Narnia in the fights between good and evil, and Harry and his friends who are loyal and help each other… Anyway, we must all choose our battles of course. I am Pro-Harry, you can be Anti-Harry, and we can still get together and have a marvelous time. I am also reading The Message these days… bouncing around between Paul’s letters and Proverbs and Exodus.
LISTS + SCHEDULES: While waiting for Tommy’s mom to come home last night I filled a piece of printer paper with a schedule for the rest of the week, a new weekly list/schedule of daily chores, ideas of ways to reach out to others, some general goals, some positive “success statements” for me to think about, and two food lists: Allowed and Not Allowed. It was like therapy, and a self-taught lesson (I was home-schooled, I find these most effective.) in positive thinking promoting well-being. Here are some things I came up with:
Chores: Monday – Kitchen & Bathroom. Tuesday – Vacuum. Wednesday - Dust. Thursday – Laundry (2-4 loads). Friday – Organize, sort and label. (I was running out of ideas – our apartment is small.) Saturday – Purge and give away. (Every day, it seems, I come across some article of clothing or a book or a knick knack that I realize we do not need whatsoever.) Sunday – R & R. These are aside from the more obvious Everydays: Dishes, clothes put away, all rooms straightened, car cleared out. So that’s chores.
Others: Make and keep a calendar of birthdays. (Birthdays are not my strong suit except for Nat and family and Amanda’s.) Invite new people over for dinner often – maybe every week? Remember to get decaf coffee for dad, Cafe Verona for the Mullers, and Cafe Estima for Judy every so often, as well as tea for others, and Tuesday nights. Send baby/happy pregnancy gifts. Call just to say hello (meaning, don’t always just send a little Facebook shout out. Use my voice.) ….
Goals: No more picking at my nails. Pick up extra shifts at work. If no snow – ride bike! Record music with Garage Band. Bring healthier food to work for breaks. Work on having better posture. …
The Allowed list is pretty guessable and obvious (fruits, veggies, blah blah blah.), and the Not Allowed List is: Overeating. Mindlessness. More than two coffee drinks a day. Starbucks pastry case items. Canned pasta (I have been craving spaghetti-o’s consistently for weeks. By the way – do not let this eating talk fool you into thinking I am pregs. I am not.) Skipping breakfast. Second dessert helpings. …
And then the Positive Statements included things like: I love to keep things clean. I listen before I speak. I answer my phone when I am not with others and even if I don’t feel like it (and if I really don’t feel like it, and they leave a voicemail, I call back in a timely fashion.) I am a runner. I do not spend our money on things I/we do not need….. and so on.
I know that it is a little silly and funny. I also know that that kind of thinking and putting things down in an organized way on paper really helps me to plan and think more clearly, and to stick to things. I am going to keep this piece of paper close by and refer to it often to remind myself.
And finally, here are some pictures out of my “artsy fartsy” folder into which I put things that inspire me from all over the internet world:
And that, my friends, whomever you may be, is that.
What is it about the weather, this heaving sigh of fresh air 50-degree day that has awakened in me a feeling of reckless worship and wonder at God? The absence of that hunker-down mentality that comes from slouching in the freezing wind to car, to house, to car, to work. It makes me ROCK OUT to worship songs on my guitar with the windows open, realizing with a smile that it kind of smells like a sewer outside, maybe because everything is melting so fast… and makes me desperate to make art, and to see the lake, and to run so hard and so long, and to hold hands and skip along and get the fattiest, most delicious coffee shop drink there is, with whipped cream, and to enjoy it unashamedly.
My heart is full and overjoyed today that it is warm outside. I am thankful for it, and I praise God for it.
And now I must continue enjoying it.
“you stood before creation
eternity in your hand
you spoke the world into motion
my soul now to stand…”
seems to me like it’s getting colder by the minute…but then again I am a chronic under-dresser.
I was laughing today, thinking about how much I’ve been to Starbucks today since our internet is down (and JUST learned today that partners get free wifi – no gift card needed!) Starbucks hopes to be for its customers a “third place” as is #1 = home, #2 = work and #3 = Starbucks. But if it is both work AND Starbucks, and you come as often as I have been this week, it is both 2 and 3.
Oh boy… nevermind. That is the dorkiest…….. nevermind. I am just going to sit here, sip my free drink and enjoy the world wide web.
Well, we met with Byron Bruckner on Sunday night to discuss all things and possibilities relating to Alaska, and our possible move there in August or early fall.
To be quite honest with you – - he spoke our language. We could have a temporary place to live right when we got there… we could transfer jobs… the education program is great… you can take out a loan that will be paid for you if you teach in a village afterwards… which includes the possibilities of Nome, Kodiak, and Unalakleet. I could start a coffee shop. They need someone to take pictures. They need someone who can work on a website (Nat) and they need mentors to “adopt” a student or two to take out for coffee weekly……….
I felt like if we had talked longer he would have said, “And if you sporadically think about training for a marathon, we could use your help. Oh, and in case you are wanting a piano… we have a grand piano, uhh, I think it’s a Steinway? You can have it.”
SO… you know, that sounds good. It sounds, and feels, really, really good at this point. This is our DREAM… this is OUR dream. And I think we might just go for it. I can remember really vividly standing on the rocks near the water in Unalakleet and saying to Nat, “It has been hard, to be here, but it makes me really sad to think we might never see this place again.” And all the people who told us, “Get married and come back and work here full-time!”
It’s funny (and a little reassuring) to picture myself just transferring to a Starbucks up there – a TOTALLY different life, but same store, same setup, same job.
So, that’s “ALASKA” and this is what we are thinking at the moment, and I wanted to document it, and share it.
dreamfully,
ellen
